Blaming myself..

Salam~

Rasa nak nyanyi lagu akon- Sorry, Blame it on me pulak..(^^)

Being so sensitive lately.. Mood swings and too many things to think at one time. Maybe life is more complicated nowadays and I put too much stress on myself. I can't keep myself from doing something stupid~really.. And I have to say that I'm looking for perfection for everything I do but I know somehow it can't be perceive by my own.. I need help.

Kadang-kadang kita rasa mampu untuk lakukan sesuatu perkara sendirian, tetapi kadang-kadang kita perlu terima hakikat kita perlukan manusia sekeliling kita untuk bantu menyempurnakan lagi perkara tersebut.

We are absolutely imperfect, but everyone surely searching for the perfection. And when we can't keep it, we would blame ourselves for being such and such. And that's me. I really can't help myself. While others can do it perfectly, I'm blaming myself for not. When others could endure something, I'm blaming myself for being so weak. It really hurts me. And I put so much thought upon it. I know, I am hurting myself. But I keep asking why, why, and why? Nevertheless, the answer is simply..........

Because everything has a limit.

It's all about capacity. Sometimes I can measure and calculate it, sometimes I'm not. But most of the time I'm not clear with it-how far and to what extend. And I keep myself doing something by my own until the time that I feel I'm lost and can't continue, then I knew my capacity. So, I think that one should not blame me for not ask a help at first as I really don't have any idea about my capacity and I'm not going to bother the others when I don't have to.

Somehow, I think I got the trait of my late father. I learnt from him, for not bother anyone when you can endure it. He was quiet but dedicated man in his own way. While being sicked, he never ask for anyone's help. He kept everything by his own- his medicines, his pain, his reports etc. We as his children never knew about it until our mother told us. Because he just doesn't want to make us worry .

He just doesn't want to make us bother about him when we have to. He put himself in a place that he as a father need not much attention like what his children do. And I felt bad when I can't help him so much when he need someone because for one reason, I was too young to share for (as I'm the youngest in my family) and for second, he treated me as a small child because physically, yes I'm smaller and I believe he doesn't trust me( eg: dari tadika hingga tingkatan 3 antar pergi sekolah naik motor, tak bagi naik motor atas jalan raya sampai umur 15tahun tp dengan syarat pakai topi keledar-sebab motor kriss hijau tu berat, + takde lesen , nak keluar dengan kawan nek motor pun kdg2 tak boleh kalau jauh2 kecuali cakap dengan mak..hehe, dan selalu je la ade restrict2 tu.. maybe sebab nampak innocent and naive kan waktu tu..)

And yes, I learnt it from him. But I realized that this is not practical for all the time. Sometimes we need to talk n express the feeling so that we know our mistakes and give a chance for others to help. And I'm still learning in improving myself.

Hurm, biasa la tu kan bila kadang-kadang kita rasa tak perlukan bantuan orang lain, kadang-kadang rasa tak tahu pun nak buat ape, just do everything until once exhausted and felt like- takde orang nak tolong ker? And then, kadang-kadang feeling like tak ada kuasa pun nak suruh-suruh orang buat itu ini tambah-tambah lagi antara senior dan junior ( among friends pun, still rasa tak ade kuasa nak menyuruh apa2). dan kadang-kadang rasa malu nak mintak tolong tu lebih tebal daripada penatnya buat kerja sampaikan rela buat kerja tu daripada mintak tolong orang...

but it will end-up to sakit hati, marah, emosional, geram, sedih, stress, hypertension..

Lastly, kita juga yang merana. Kita juga yang merosakkan perasaan kita, kita juga yang akan meracuni ukhwah yang terbina. Kita sendiri yang akan hilang keikhlasan hati kita. Kita sendiri yang akan merosakkan semua.

Sebab itu aku teringat dalam satu talk kuliah online yang provided by masaf online tentang pentingnya dalam ukhwah ini, 3 konsep: iaitu tafahum, ta'awun dan takaful.

Tafahum- bila kita saling kenal mengenal yang bukan setakat kenal tapi saling memahami antara satu sama lain, saling faham-memahami..... saling faham memahami... (susah kan? tapi dengan setelnya part nie, baru level seterusnya muncul~)

Iaitu Ta'awun - bantu membantu.. baru boleh wujudnya bantu membantu antara kita. Baru dapat rasa manisnya ukhwah yang terbina dan ini tahap yang me'level'kan adakah ukhwah kita ini berkekalan atau separuh jalan.

Dan Takaful- tanggung- menanggung. mungkin nampak lebih kurang sama je dengan ta'awun, tapi ini lebih extra lagi..

So, just nak remind myself and others yang unsur tafahum itu sangat-sangat lah penting dalam ukhwah kerana boleh jadi ukhwah itu akan jadi 'masam' bila tafahum itu tak dapat nak apply antara kita. Jadi, be aware!

Teringat khutbah last Nabi yang menyebut:

" Berwaspadalah kamu terhadap syaitan demi keselamatan agama kamu, dia telah berputus asa untuk menyesatkan kamu dalam perkara-perkara yang besar, maka berjaga-jagalah kamu agar tidak mengikutinya dalam perkara-perkara yang kecil."

Perkara- perkara yang kecil itu boleh jadi halangan2 ini yang boleh merosakkan ukhwah antara kita dan memusnahkan kekuatan yang kita ada.

wallahualam~

p/s: This entry is in english and malay version as I want to improve my english and currently use english in conversation, so the feeling is more expressive than usual plus the emotional state(=p) is swinging~=p.. part of it is in malay as I can't express it in english due to my verbal problems..haha

~I am sorry and you can put the blame on me~